Doing the tailpipe tango

Posted by SuperClydesdale on March 28, 2010 under Commentary | Be the First to Comment

I’m into conspiracy theories, and there’s a big one afoot that people are apparently afraid to talk about:  the automobile manufacturers are torturing and killing cyclists.   I think it’s time for congressional hearings, and the National  Transportation and Safety Board (NTSB) needs to jump on this.  However, the NTSB is so preoccupied with speeding Toyota’s that they are ignoring the intentional poisoning of millions of cyclists.

Diesel "smokin"

The chewy goodness of a thick cloud of diesel smoke

Rest assured that whoever designs trucks doesn’t ride bikes — nor do they like bicyclists.   One feature on most trucks (as well as vans, and some SUVs) is a big, fat tailpipe aiming straight into the bike lane.   Diesel trucks take it up a notch.   Nothing like huffing and puffing up a long climb (which is how a Clydesdale climbs hills), only to be fumigated by a cloud of diesel soot.    Ah, the carcinogenic goodness.  Mmmmmm.

It’s amazing the amount of smoke coming out!  Somehow these things are passing smog checks?  The smog check places must be in on it too…

In all of the congressional hearings about the automobile industry, regarding safety recalls, government bailouts, executive pay – I’ve never heard a word about getting trucks to point their exhaust pipes into traffic rather than at pedestrians and cyclists.  Congress must be in on it too.  That’s why they’re called “fat cats” – they are totally unfit because they are anti-bike, and part of the cyclist-killing conspiracy.   Let’s call it “Exhaust Gate” or “Tail Gate”… or “Fume-a-gate”…

Why do trucks have to have their exhaust systems like this?  Why can’t the exhaust pipe be on the left hand side?  It’s ridiculous.  It’s anti-cyclist.   Now that I’m exposing Exhaust Gate, the secret plot to cause cancer among cyclists, I propose we (i.e., someone not me) subpoena the files and e-mails, and tap their phones to get to the bottom of this.

I suspect that we might hear something like this in conversations among truck design engineers (at Ford, Toyota, Dodge, GM, et al):

“Hey, Jim – you know how you have two tailpipes going straight out the back of that thing?  Let’s merge the two pipes into one big one, then point it right into the bike lane!  That will be really funny.  I’m going to call Bob up in SUVs to do the same thing. “

Incidentally, from all accounts, Dodge trucks are the worst offenders – the Dodge Ram Cummins Diesel specifically.

Some truck drivers are apparently a part of the plot – they gun it to maximize the cloudy output as they pass.  The timing is too perfect and the result too pronounced to be accidental.  This has happened to me a number of times – some diesel truck passes me,  and at that moment, floors it to create a massive plume of soot.   Bastards.

Now that I’ve blown the roof off this evil lung-cancer-carnival of cover-up, I suspect things might change.

In the mean time, come together, big brothers!  Cyldesdale Nation unite!  Let’s give the automobile manufacturers until next year to move the tailpipes to the left side of the vehicle.   If they don’t do it, I propose a national boycott of all automobile manufacturers that do not come to heel.

Note: for those of you outside of the US, a truck is a “lorrie.”  They are very popular vehicles in the US.  If your country drives on the left hand side (aka the wrong side) of the road, then perhaps you’re already safe, with tailpipes pointing away from the bike lane.  However, if this plot is as big and sinister as I suspect, I’ll bet in your country, the tailpipes are on the left hand side, so that they still point into the bike lane.

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