Beer = fat

Posted by SuperClydesdale on March 13, 2010 under Commentary | 4 Comments to Read

It is with great sorrow that I pass along the following discovery:  beer is fattening.

A potential flaw in my Weight Loss Challenge:  my body processes beer in such a way that I think it immediately turns to fat.  Its magical goodness is a fat superconductor.  If I drink even one beer, my weight loss seems to instantly stop.   Sans beer, the weight loss resumes, so the caloric content of the beer doesn’t seem to matter as much as the supernatural way that it manufactures fat.  Talk about a cruel twist.    Now, when I say “beer” I must reveal that I do, in fact, mean beer — not some light beer crap – real beer, such as:   Sierra Nevada Pale Ale (the best beer in the world*), Guinness, Samuel Adams, Boddingtons, Fat Tire (the 2nd best beer in the world), any kind of IPA, stout, porter, etc.

I’ve read about beer having less calories than apple juice, wine (of similar volume), peanuts, and other less enjoyable foods.    You can look at the nutritional properties of beer and come to the same conclusion.   Whatever.   All I can say is, drink beer – gain weight.  There’s a mystical property about it.  Believe me, I wish it weren’t so.   I would walk on hot coals if there was a keg on the other side.   I may have, in fact, done so –  I can’t remember now.   It’s goooooooooooood.

Whether life is worth living without a steady supply of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale may ultimately decide the  success of my Weight Loss Challenge thingy.  I live about 2 hours away from Chico, California,  home of the Sierra Nevada Brewing Company (aka, the Happiest Place on Earth).    Chico is a bicycle-friendly and site of California State University at Chico.  CSU Chico was a competitor of my alma mater, UNLV (Go Rebels!),  for top party school in the US back when I was I college.   In addition to that tremendous distinction, Chico  hosts the Chico Wildflower, a beautiful spring century ride.   Sierra Nevada Brewing Company usually sponsors the ride.  For those who enjoy collecting interesting cycling jerseys, the brewery gift shop has a beautiful jersey, water bottles, and such that I have admired for some time.

Sweet jersey of the Sierra Nevada Brewing Company

The sweet jersey depicting the best beer on the planet

Living so close to Sierra Nevada Brewing Company, the source of all happiness, yet not being able to partake of it seems unbearably cruel, and has me questioning the nature of God.

For those of you who find yourselves in this same conundrum, I suggest that you immediately stop drinking beer in favor of other forms of libation:  single malt scotch, Cruzan single barrel rum, Irish whiskey, or limited amounts of wine.  The second step in this urgent call to action is that if you have a stock of craft-brewed beer, carefully pack it up, then send it to me… address provided upon request.

* Sierra Nevada Pale Ale is certified, by me, in a double-blind taste test, to be the best beer in the world.   It was also subsequently and or previously certified under various and sundry other tests, including single-blind taste test, the no-blind taste test, the blindfolded taste test, the blind drunk taste test, the test where you have different beers with dinner, the test where you try out many different types of beers over many years during a variety of activities,  and so on.  The complete study is to be released at a later date.  If you do not agree with me then (a) you have never tried it, (b) are worse than Hitler.

  • Travis said,

    At 6’7″ and 225, and one who shares your love of the SNPA, I have to tell you that this post saddens me greatly. Not only does it sadden me, but it confirms my suspicion of my favorite 176 calorie per bottle beverage.

    Seems that most pale ales, including Dale’s, Stone, Great Divide, Deschutes Mirror Pond PA, and the like all range in that high-calorie stratosphere.

    All I can say is that the beloved SNPA will have to be consumed after 40+ mile rides from now on, not on days where the only ride is the 20 miler at 5:30am.

    My quest to sub-210 just got a bit easier, I hope.

  • Travis said,

    At 6’7″ and 225, and one who shares your love of the SNPA, I have to tell you that this post saddens me greatly. Not only does it sadden me, but it confirms my suspicion of my favorite 176 calorie per bottle beverage.

    Seems that most pale ales, including Dale’s, Stone, Great Divide, Deschutes Mirror Pond PA, and the like all range in that high-calorie stratosphere.

    All I can say is that the beloved SNPA will have to be consumed after 40+ mile rides from now on, not on days where the only ride is the 20 miler at 5:30am.

    My quest to sub-210 just got a bit easier, I hope.

  • Null said,

    It’s not the beer, and it’s not the calories.

    It’s the alcohol…
    Alcohol has a nearly unique metabolic pathway. Great for detoxifying it, horrible for fat storage.

  • Null said,

    It’s not the beer, and it’s not the calories.

    It’s the alcohol…
    Alcohol has a nearly unique metabolic pathway. Great for detoxifying it, horrible for fat storage.

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