The new smart phones ate doe whoppers

Posted by SuperClydesdale on January 4, 2011 under Commentary | 2 Comments to Read

Okay, truthfully, that’s not supposed to be the title of this article.  It’s supposed to read “The new smart phones are for whippets.”   But, when I type that with my man-sized fingers on my new smart phone, it comes out as “The new smart phones ate doe whoppers” — interestingly, I typed it twice and got the exact same result. 

What I typed:   One recent addition for this holiday season was a swap out of my old blackberry.  I was starting to feel like a dinosaur using that old piece of crap.  But, now I find myself longing for the good old days of the old Blackberry,  a device so basic and simple.  Last week I was frustrated by its basic simplicity.  Today, I am longing for it.  What the hell?  Form over substance – works for politics, should work for a phone, right? The Clydesdale hands are not made for this size keyboard.  I think its another clever way that whippets have devices to get back at the more substantial people of large stature in our midst.While this is largely unreadable, its ten times better than it was a few days ago.I think that phones, like bikes, are designed for small people.  I have an iPad as well – now there’s a device designed for large people.  I wish that Apple would put a phone app into that so that I could use my iPad as a phone.  Smaller and smaller doesn’t work for me. What I got:   One recent addition for .w this holdyay season was a swap our doe my old blackberry.  I was starting ro fel like. Siaosaue using that old piece of grap.  But, now I find myself longing for the food d says of the BlackBerry.  A device ao basic and simple.  Last week I was frustrated by its ewltivw irrwlwvnx.  Roday, I a. Longing foe or.  What the hell?  Form over substance – works I’m politics, sahoils work for a phoebe, right?The clydwsdale hands are not made doe this size keyboard.  I think its another clever way that whippets have devised to get baxcl at the more auccead people of large stairw is our midst.While isboa largt unreadabsle. Its ten to.es better than it was a few days ago.I think that phones, like bikes are designed for small peow.  I have an ipad as wl — now there’s a device that is designed for larhet peow.  O soak thy apple would pie a phone app onto thy so I could used my ipad AA a pjone.  Smaller AMA AMler doesn’t work doe mw.

 

So, once again, I must conclude that the damn evil whippet conspiracy that directs the cycling industry to humiliate the big & tall among us has pervaded the smart phone industry.  I can understand Sony or Samsung coming up with midget-sized keyboards marching to the “smaller is always better” drumbeat.  There are small people designing those things.  If you ever go to Asia on holiday, just try to find a pair of shoes, or a shirt.  It’s all like doll clothes over there. 

I understand the Asians and their bias towards the small — that’s their “normal,”  but RIM?  RIM is the Canadian company that makes the Blackberry.  I know for a fact that Canadians are just as big as Americans (just talk funny, eh?  Don’t be a hoser, RIM, design a phone for real men, eh?), so there’s no reason to overly miniaturize their phones – it must be a conspiracy.   There must be tiny little people at RIM designing their phones.

I can also understand the room for jealousy by the smaller, less substantial “men” among us.   Tired of making Viagra Online less money than us big guys, getting fewer dates, or being taken seriously, the small must take their revenge.    It must be incredibly frustrating for a little dude to see people like us, with fingers larger than his penis.  Don’t hate us because we’re manly.  It’s not our fault we won the genetic lottery.

I’ve stayed on the older-style Blackberry for years, even as almost everyone I know jumped on the iPhone bandwagon.  They can find a bathroom when they need it, find a restaurant, price check crap in stores, and many other things — things that my Blackberry Curve and I could only look on with a furrowed brow and quivering lip, stifling our jealousy.  I think I was glimpsing what a whippet must feel like when he sees a big guy buying clothes in the men’s department – rather than trying to look mature buying in the boy’s section.  “I’m shopping for my son!” they exclaim in that cute little highly pitched voice.

Well, with the BlackBerry Curve having been on a few too many rides with me, it was on its last legs.   It had fallen out of my Bento Box onto the road a few times, and had taken its lumps well.  But, the 1 megapixel camera was crap.  The keyboard has some dirt or something under it that makes certain keys not work, and what key that is depends on where the dirt is that day.   The rollerball thingy sticks.   It was time. 

The Bento Box. Food, phone, tunes....

Incidentally, if you do not use a Bento Box for your phone, then you’re missing out.  It’s great to have the phone right there in front of you.  Especially when you’re doing a mid-day ride and people are trying to get a hold of you.  You can take a long lunch ride, and still check e-mails.  You can, like me, learn to text and ride at the same time.  Don’t worry, it’s just as safe as driving while texting!

But I think that the miniaturization trend has gotten a bit out of hand.   At this point, I can’t even use the damn phone any more.  I think I’d be better off with much fewer features in exchange for a device that I can at least make a phone call with!

I think, just as I called for in my 2009  class action lawsuit, that us big guys need to get together an demand that people with massive hands (and feet, and … other parts) can find a damn phone that they can use.   

There is a glimmer of hope… 

In 2010, Dell announced the Streak, a 5” screen smart phone/tablet based on Google’s Droid OS.  It’s massive, but I don’t know that Dell has continued down that path.  A buddy of mine at Dell let me evaluate it at Interbike, and it was sweet, with a large screen and a keyboard large enough for masculine hands. 

The Dell Streak 7. A man-sized phone, probably built by men, definitely for men.

People complained that it was “too big.”  Maybe for a small woman, but for a man, that’s the right size for a smart phone.   It had it all:  large screen, large keyboard, good camera… I could actually use the damn features.  

I saw that they are coming out with a new version of it called the Streak 7.   Now here’s the exciting part:  a 7” screen.  Big guys, imagine having a 7” smart phone!  You could actually… get ready for this… type things!  You could dial a phone number!  You could text someone!

Wow!  Progress!

Add A Comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.